Rules and boundaries

One thing I've come to realise lately is that most of my exhaustion is coming from the children fighting and the constant cleaning involved in running around after them.
I have decided that now that my children are 2 and 3, it is the right time to put in place some stronger boundaries and in order to stick to these boundaries, I am placing them on my fridge for my constant referal (I am constantly in the fridge these days but that's a blog for another day!)

Most of what i have come up with seems like common sense stuff, to the point that i feel silly even writing it out, but when you're inside the square, what you plan in a rational, calm state of mind and what actually happens when you have 2 children constantly fighting, you haven't had time to eat and they are undoing your folded washing for the 5th time; well, a little prompting from my former, sane self would go a long way!

Now... where to start??

Firstly I got a piece of paper and drew a square in the middle. On the inside of the square I wrote all the behaviours I find acceptable and ones that i want to encourage ie manners, toilet training, good food routine, creative mess etc and on the outside of the square I wrote all the things that are unacceptable ie name calling, whinging, defiance, helping themselves to food, emptying drawers, running away when out and about... the list went on for a while and was, funnily enough, quite a bit bigger than my acceptable list.

I then wrote these out into lists with space next to each behaviour to write the appropriate reward/consequence of each. I was able to come up with some rules and routines from here. It went something like this:

Rules and routine:

• we will all follow a strict food routine that does not allow for snacking
• Children are not to enter the kitchen or bathroom unless we are doing a supervised activity or they are using the toilet, at all other times these areas are out of bounds.
• One set of toys does not come out until the previous set have been put away (am holding off on enforcing this one too heavily until our house is more organised... soon I hope!!)

From the acceptable list, I have written a set of goals for the children including toilet training, using manners, playing well with each other, staying out of the out-of-bound areas which we are now working on one at a time. In order to help them achieve these goals, each day the children are given a sticker for their hand in the morning to remind them that Mummy loves them and what individual behaviour we are working on ie toilet training. When they use the toilet etc, they are given another sticker and if, at the end of the day, they haven't had an accident, they will get a special surprise (cheap toy, lollipop etc) This is an alternative to the sticker chart but I am finding it more useful as the child starts off with a reward and gets to take it with them to keep as a constant reminder of their goal.

I hate to use the word punishment but it is probably the word that best fits.

Not cleaning toys = those toys are put away for 2 nights
Fighting/name calling/dobbing = 1 warning then children are separated into 2 rooms for 5 minutes using a buzzer *note, this is not time out, just time away from each other, not a punishment but a choice they make.
Found in out of bound areas = quiet time (1 minute per age of child)
Blatant defiance = quiet time (1 minute per age of child)

Again, with quiet time I use a buzzer which helps with consistency. Also, it is completely out of my hands, acting as an impartial enforcer of these rules. Quiet time is also within the same room as we are in.

I sat down with my children and more importantly, my husband (we need to be on the same page) and went through the rules with details of the rewards and consequences.

SO, The results?? I am actually sitting here, typing all of this up while my children play together!!!!!

My kitchen is clean and the children are playing with the toys they have been given rather than the plastic bowls in the kitchen or the toothpaste in the bathroom. Dinner is delightful as they are hungry and want to stay with us, not eat a mouthful and run away. I am NOT uptight, trying to work out what i should do when Miss 2 comes to me crying because of name calling. After being separated once today, they have chosen to play well together and are interacting and enjoying each others company!

I think the main reason this is working is that we have clear consistent boundaries with clear consequences. I no longer have to think, is this ok? what should i do? It is all written out for me as an instruction manual that is nearly out of my hands now. Of course this only covers day to day interactions but it is a really good base and should allow for calmer dealings with incidents that occur outside of the home.... will keep you posted!