Rules and boundaries

One thing I've come to realise lately is that most of my exhaustion is coming from the children fighting and the constant cleaning involved in running around after them.
I have decided that now that my children are 2 and 3, it is the right time to put in place some stronger boundaries and in order to stick to these boundaries, I am placing them on my fridge for my constant referal (I am constantly in the fridge these days but that's a blog for another day!)

Most of what i have come up with seems like common sense stuff, to the point that i feel silly even writing it out, but when you're inside the square, what you plan in a rational, calm state of mind and what actually happens when you have 2 children constantly fighting, you haven't had time to eat and they are undoing your folded washing for the 5th time; well, a little prompting from my former, sane self would go a long way!

Now... where to start??

Firstly I got a piece of paper and drew a square in the middle. On the inside of the square I wrote all the behaviours I find acceptable and ones that i want to encourage ie manners, toilet training, good food routine, creative mess etc and on the outside of the square I wrote all the things that are unacceptable ie name calling, whinging, defiance, helping themselves to food, emptying drawers, running away when out and about... the list went on for a while and was, funnily enough, quite a bit bigger than my acceptable list.

I then wrote these out into lists with space next to each behaviour to write the appropriate reward/consequence of each. I was able to come up with some rules and routines from here. It went something like this:

Rules and routine:

• we will all follow a strict food routine that does not allow for snacking
• Children are not to enter the kitchen or bathroom unless we are doing a supervised activity or they are using the toilet, at all other times these areas are out of bounds.
• One set of toys does not come out until the previous set have been put away (am holding off on enforcing this one too heavily until our house is more organised... soon I hope!!)

From the acceptable list, I have written a set of goals for the children including toilet training, using manners, playing well with each other, staying out of the out-of-bound areas which we are now working on one at a time. In order to help them achieve these goals, each day the children are given a sticker for their hand in the morning to remind them that Mummy loves them and what individual behaviour we are working on ie toilet training. When they use the toilet etc, they are given another sticker and if, at the end of the day, they haven't had an accident, they will get a special surprise (cheap toy, lollipop etc) This is an alternative to the sticker chart but I am finding it more useful as the child starts off with a reward and gets to take it with them to keep as a constant reminder of their goal.

I hate to use the word punishment but it is probably the word that best fits.

Not cleaning toys = those toys are put away for 2 nights
Fighting/name calling/dobbing = 1 warning then children are separated into 2 rooms for 5 minutes using a buzzer *note, this is not time out, just time away from each other, not a punishment but a choice they make.
Found in out of bound areas = quiet time (1 minute per age of child)
Blatant defiance = quiet time (1 minute per age of child)

Again, with quiet time I use a buzzer which helps with consistency. Also, it is completely out of my hands, acting as an impartial enforcer of these rules. Quiet time is also within the same room as we are in.

I sat down with my children and more importantly, my husband (we need to be on the same page) and went through the rules with details of the rewards and consequences.

SO, The results?? I am actually sitting here, typing all of this up while my children play together!!!!!

My kitchen is clean and the children are playing with the toys they have been given rather than the plastic bowls in the kitchen or the toothpaste in the bathroom. Dinner is delightful as they are hungry and want to stay with us, not eat a mouthful and run away. I am NOT uptight, trying to work out what i should do when Miss 2 comes to me crying because of name calling. After being separated once today, they have chosen to play well together and are interacting and enjoying each others company!

I think the main reason this is working is that we have clear consistent boundaries with clear consequences. I no longer have to think, is this ok? what should i do? It is all written out for me as an instruction manual that is nearly out of my hands now. Of course this only covers day to day interactions but it is a really good base and should allow for calmer dealings with incidents that occur outside of the home.... will keep you posted!

I DO IT MYSELF!!!

I must admit that I was really looking forward to seeing some independance in my little people so I was thrilled to see my just-turned-two year old show so much ability and enthusiasm with dressing herself. My dream was to lay out their clothes and finish my last minute clean up before we all walked out the door together in half the time it had previously taken for me to dress us all... How wrong I was!!
My beautiful daughter is proud of her efforts (and rightly so) and my son, never to be outdone by his little sister, has really stepped up his efforts. On a nice easy day it is delightful to see them trying on new clothes, creating bizarre little combinations of clothing styles and colours. On a day when we have to move it is a nightmare.
Master 3 is very much like his father, not caught up with the little things in life and happy to keep going even if things aren't perfect, so when he walks out with his his shirt inside out, back to front or upside down, it simply doesn't bother him enough to fuss about changing things. I generally don't mind what outfit he choses but this does bother me; I NEED to fix it. Welcome WWIII.
Little Miss "I do it myself!!" on the other hand, is quite particular in dressing correctly. Her skills, unfortunately, in no way match her enthusiasm. She MUST put on everything herself including her nappy at bed time - I haven't seen a funnier sight than a very determined 2yr old laying out a nappy then laying herself down on it and attempting to do it up. Needless to say, it was not a very successful endeavour... can I help her? no. When she is fighting with her shirt, with the neck around her waist or trying to squeeze her head into an arm hole, screaming in frustration, can I help her? NO.
So now I find ways to help her in ways that she can never know about... Leaving clothing that she can cope with in easy reach for her, talking them both through the dressing process without actually touching them, making sure her shoes really really simple and most of all, starting the process 45 minutes earlier than I ever had to before they became so independant. Oh, and buying pull up nappies!

bummy bummy poo bum

Walking into the childrens preschool, there are signs outlining the contagious diseases that some children may have been exposed to. The preschool is really quite diligent with keeping us informed, however they seem to have missed one highly contagious and extremely irritating ailment that is migrating throughout our 3yr olds.... The words ‘Bummy Bummy Poo Bum’

What is it about these particular words that has children repeating them over and over and over again? What makes them laugh so hard and egg each other on to keep saying them? Most importantly, what is the best way to handle it when they say it?

Although I've not tried any of the following suggestions myself and in no way endorse them, here a few ideas I've gathered from mothers, teachers and my good friend 'google':

 IGNORE:

PROS: not rewarding the bad language with attention. There is the possibility that they will just grow out of it....

CONS: you may have to hear it every day for the next 4 years

HAVE THE CHILD REPEAT THE WORD FOR ONE MINUTE FOR EACH YEAR OF THEIR AGE. ie a 4yr old would repeat the word continuously for 4 minutes:

PROS: Mildly entertaining. May give children an opportunity to outgrow it faster and to take the amusement away from it.

CONS: May encourage the usage of such words and make the problem worse.

HAVING A STERN TALK:

PROS: While you are talking, they are not, therefore, they will not be able to use the words for 5 minutes or so.

CONS: Increasing frustration when you stop talking and they start talking again.

But as a good friend of mine pointed out recently, 2 minutes back at preschool and it all starts again. Is it worth the struggle or should we just grit our teeth and wait patiently, pretending that it doesn't drive us crazy for long enough that they don't find it funny anymore? I'll let you know!

Fast fact: A study by the Parents Television Council found that about once an hour children watching popular children's networks will hear mild curse words such as "stupid," "loser" and "butt." The scope and frequency can rise immeasurably with exposure to adult programs and popular music.

Going live!

Thank you to my wonderful follower - a beautiful mother of 2 children who i just adore! After discussing this blog with my follower, I have decided to start putting it out there a little more. My main concern was that it really isn't polished, it's higgledy piggledy and often rushed... but I guess that just sums up parenthood. I would love a professional blog but that would undermine the intention of this particular project; I don't have a mahogany desk with a view, I have a laptop on the arm of my lounge, typing wildly before the munchkins reappear from their afternoon naps. I know that there are many parents out there trying to achieve everything from dishes to their tax refunds during this wonderful 'siesta' and it is hard!

I have gone through periods where I used this naptime to just rest, then motherguilt took over and I used the time to set up craft activities for the afternoon. I became so tired after a few weeks of 14 hour days with no break that I felt depleted and my tolerance became non-existant. GUILT. I stopped doing craft activities to let more natural activities take over but we seemed to do be doing nothing. GUILT. fill in these hours with organised activities and the chilren became worn out. GUILT. Meet up with a friend whose 3yr old can count to 30, realise I haven't counted with Master 3 since February. GUILT. Keep both children at home with me and they fight for personal attention. GUILT. Put them in care on opposite days so I can dedicate a day to each child... Hmmm... not feeling guilty... should I be feeling guilty..? I bet i should be... Why am I not feeling guilty?? CRAP! Now I'm feeling guilty about not feeling guilty - AARRRRGGGGHHH!

So where is all this pressure coming from?

terrible threes vs terrible twos

Really! what do you think? Terrible 2s or terrible 3s? I am split with my choice... I always thought the language barrier with a 2 year old was incredibly frustrating (for both mum and baby). I found an amazing glimpse of hope when I saw the first signs of being able to reason with Master 3. Then that reason started to work against me. Now i have the same strong willed child who may or may not listen to my requests, who makes up his own mind, mainly in line with what would be expected but sometimes making decisions that come from somewhere I've never been... and then the heels dig in and the emotions take over. At this point I think this is so much harder than the terrible 2s... and then Miss 2 starts demanding (and demanding, and demanding...) I have never known a child who knows what she wants so well... down to which bowl she wants to use, which spoon, how full she wants her bowl filled, what pair of socks she wants to wear, what colour jumper she wants to wear (regardless of whether she owns that jumper) and all with her wonderful little words that all kind of sound alike unless you know exactly what she means before she says it.
So if these 'terrible 2s' and 'terrible 3s' end up hitting you at the same time.... well, i guess it can only get better from here!

Oh, the mess!!

So after how many weeks of the children constantly fighting, I finally found the fool proof solution - give up... I got a blanket and laid on the couch and told the children that they were not to whinge to me - that i am off limits unless they were willing to use their words to sort out their problems. To start with I had a few complaints which were answered with 'use your words and tell master 3 to stop'. Then a miracle happened... when i stopped intervening, they started to work it out for themselves!
Of course, this may have just been a lucky coincidence and not fool proof at all but i have seen some benefits of stepping back. I had a wonderful time yesterday listening to them laughing and working together, I was so happy feeling like a wonderful mum. I went out to see what had them so enthralled only to find my washing powder strewn all over the lawn. Again, last night, they were playing beautifully. I again, naively, let them carry on in the belief that they were really getting closer. Well, after a while I thought they needed some  intervention.... OMG my house was like an episode of 'Horders'. How did they make SO much mess in such a short period?? Wipes, books, garbage bags etc everywhere... Is this the new price of having children who love each other? Why is turning the house upside down such a fantastic bonding experience?? Would I change anything? No.

Peace.... for now!

Every 3 weeks or so,when my husband is home, I fall asleep during the children's daytime naps and wake up 3-4 hours later. This always seems so bizarre to me, waking from such a deep sleep that hours have just disappeared without my having had any idea.
After a nap like this I can then see just how tired I've been. I have now woken from one of these monster naps to find that my husband has taken the children out. I am alone in the house that he has cleaned and I feel well rested. As a reward to my husband, I may even have a conversation with him tonight!